“Women are more influenced by the effects of guilt proneness” and higher levels of prosocial behaviour (read: empathy) than males. Various other studies, like this one published in ‘Europe’s journal of Psychology’, confirm the existence of a gender-guilt gap.
Original image of Henri Matisse’s ‘Dance,’ taken by me in NYC’s MOMA.
I recently scolded my Mum – which will never not feel wrong – for how often she does two things: 1) apologises (especially about perceived mothering blunders), and 2) engages in genuine, not reassurance seeking, self-deprecation (especially about perceived mothering blunders).
Despite hearing it often and for my entire existence, I suddenly noticed it.
And I felt furious. It took me 23 years to notice how unfair and cruel she is to herself when I’ve heard a fraction as many apologies and self-criticisms from my Dad.
Ironically, this realisation made me feel guilty and angry at myself. Mum’s response to my scolding was two “sorry’s” and then: “I think it’s a woman thing.”
And she was right.
And also wrong – because we’ve definitely hit our responsibility quota.
Professor of Psychology Dr Stephen Hinshaw is quoted explaining in this article, that women are socialised from a young age to experience more guilt, self-criticism and prosocial behaviour than men.
Hinshaw says boys are “praised and encouraged when they show direct, confident behaviors” like “winning a game.” Whilst girls are also “told to be ambitious, smart, and successful,” their encouragement comes with a distinct conditionality: Be confident but not conceited, smart but not a know-it-all, ambitious but not a try-hard, and assertive, but only if it “doesn’t upset anyone else.”
I’ve started thinking a lot about guilt. Strangely, guilt has had so much power and influence over me for the majority of my life, and yet I have never really thought about or questioned it—which is doubly strange considering how much self-question time I’ve had.
“When guilt becomes a habit, it causes suffering and stagnation” says psychotherapist Nancy Colier in this Psychology Today article.
I have thought a lot about stagnancy – or stuckness, as I’ve always coined it. You know, feeling paralysed by high self-expectations and even more paralysed by the guilt you feel about being stuck?
I had yet to connect the two feelings. I hadn’t thought that guilt might reinforce the stuckness. That when mixed up together, they make some black, hot, sticky tar, like in Spider-Man 3, when Toby McGuire is consumed by that self-destructive, evil, sticky black goop (not the Gwyneth kind of goop, but then…maybe yes?). We might think of guilt as an evil alter-ego working against us like a patriarchal parasite.
One study from a survey found that whilst men and women “apologized in equal proportion” for what they considered offensive behaviour, “women reported committing more offenses than men, indicating that their threshold for perceiving offense was much lower.”
More guilt equals more apologising. You could even call it girl maths.
Girls and women are conditioned to be more self-aware and scrutinising of our behavioural impact on others, on how people perceive us.
“This empathetic awareness complicates behaviors associated with success: winning, drive, and competition.” Says experts in an article by the Child Mind Institute.
It’s easy to see why women are far more vulnerable to the self-destructive guilt cycle, the “rumination and negative looping” about how shit we are. We are too quick to take responsibility and question ourselves in the wrong ways.
And the thought that this guilt-gap holds us back, has held us all back?
Well, that’s just infuriating.
yours truly and ggracelessly,
grace ❤
ggraceless.com 
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